A Familiar, Yet Uncomfortable Feeling

A Not So Worthy Update

My last public entry post was almost 2 months ago. Me! Famous (or infamous actually) for my book entry posts have been in some sort of a writing hiatus. It's not that I'm against Xanga or anything like that, it's just that well... I didn't find reasons to log in and post.

I guess I used to post a lot as a way to cope with the stresses of my daily routine, whatever they might have been. I'm not saying that I don't encounter stressful situations nowadays, but I guess they just don't really bug me to the point of fueling my need of whining about it here on Xanga. I guess that's a good thing?

But then again, it defeats the second purpose of having a Xanga, which is really a written journal about my experiences, thoughts, desires and aspirations. It's fun to go back a couple of years and read up on my past entries because I can gauge just how much I've changed.

Lately I have been in a somewhat agressive demeanor: when in the past I'd be glad to chat with people who have disappeared from my life long time back, now I'm just finding it to be a waste of time. When I'd feel bad and try to "make it up" I'm just saying "well if you don't like it, bite me". I think I'm just in that period of time when I want to do my own thing, and if you're not helping it, then I just don't see the need of keeping contact just for the sake of keeping in touch.

Something similar has happened a couple of days back. We haven't talked in such a long time so I decided to just delete her from Orkut. I mean, it's not like we were best buddies anyway, so why keep it? Of course, this triggered a quick response from her, asking what she had done wrong that made me want to get rid of her from my life. Sweetie, it's not about what you've done to me. You've done nothing, which is why I had decided to take you out. If you're not contributing, if I don't feel the need to keep tabs on you and vice-versa, then what's the point of it all? Making volume? I guess it just means our time is up, the show's over, thanks for the memories, carry on with your life.

And of course, as I'm typing this, she starts talking to me again. What IS it with this law of attitude? Do we have to lose, in order to give value to someone? Man, this is just ridiculous.

Well anyway, work's been somewhat crazy since we are low on people, but after the initial 2 week bump, things seem to be stable again.

I'm looking forward for my trip to Brazil, should be lots of fun. Let's just say that I have a couple of surprises planned... ahhh will def. be interesting :)

Anyway, seems like Matt and Bum will be having places to live? Bum u moving out? Or it's a place to hang? Nice!!!

Ok enough chatting. See ya.

BTW I've been looking at tire chains instead of actual snow tires. Don't know if it's worth the buy here in PA where the highways are usually pretty clear.

I don't have to do anything

Say that to yourself the next time your mind goes "I have to..."

Since I've been born, my life was dictated by the things that I was expected to do. The things that I had to do.

That I had to be a good son.
That I had to be a good worker.
That I had to be a good student.
That I had to be a good human being.
That I had to be a good Buddhist.
That I had to be a good friend.
That I had to always be patient and tolerant.
That I had to be realist and know what to expect.
That I had to be a good brother.
That I had to be a good relative.
That I had to be responsible.
That I had to be good to others, regardless of what they did to me.
That I had to choose a good job to earn my living.
That I had to go to school.
That I had to be a good boyfriend.
That I had to be a good husband.
That I had to be...

Should I even start on the many things that I should NOT do?

Those are all good things. We should follow all this, or risk having a society drowned in anarchy. But I've been noticing that all of those "I have to" and all of those "I can't" are usually fueled by what others expect of me.

So one day I asked myself: "Well, why am I doing all this?"

And the answer was... that I was doing that because IF I DIDN'T DO IT... I'D DISAPPOINT SOMEONE. Oh, what would they say if I wasn't a good son/boyfriend/friend? Oh, what would they say about ME... would they say bad things about ME? Will they call me disloyal? A bad friend? A bad son? Will they be disappointed at ME?

For so long, I have been living my life based on these "values" and these "I have to"... but... what do I want to do? What's my feeling towards all this? Before the whole mountain of "I have to" started to make me crawl instead of walk... what did I want to do? WHAT DID I WANT FOR MYSELF?

Did I want to be a programmer?

What were my wildest dreams? The dreams that were drowned because the world would disapprove?

No wonder I usually look at the skies and feel that I'm not doing anything with my life. I was never listening to myself! What do I want? What do I like? Who do I want?

I'm tired of putting myself down in order to please others. In order to just "fit in" with society. In order so everyone I know will think good things about me.

Now nothing makes sense to me anymore. Everythign that I have, they are good things. A career, a good family, good friends.

But what about me? Am I doing all of those thigns for me, or for other people? Am I sick of it? Do I want to go away?

Life has given me many things. I have achieved many things. Ok.

What about inside myself?

This is not about rambling about how the world opressed me and i'm the poor lonely victim. No, it's not about that. It's about me, what do I want? Who do I want to become?

I feel that everything I ever believed in is shaking, trembling... breaking.

Being a good friend. Being a good professional. Being a good son. Being a good person. Hoping to have a good family. Hoping to be a good father.

These are all good thigns. But... how do I feel when I do those? Do I feel good? Is this what I want? Am I doing all of these things, being all of these things, because I WANT TO... or because I'm EXPECTED TO DO IT...?

If it's the second... then, what do I want for myself?

I need a break of everything. I need some time to think.

It is time to do a mental cleaning. What do I want to keep, what do I want to throw away.

Forget all the "have to"'s.

I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.
I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANYONE.

Unless I WANT to.

So...

What do I want? Not what I have to do. But... what do I want?

Without caring about "what would other people think of me?", I want to answer this question. To be truthful to myself without caring about others.

Why is it OK for me to put me aside, my wants and needs, but it's not OK to put what OTHER people want and need?

Fernando. What do YOU want? What do YOU want to do?

I shall break all of these rules within myself. All of the things that are expected of me.

I want to be myself, doing the things that I like to do, that I want. Feeling my spirit free.

My mind shall find the ways to achieve the things that my spirit wants.

Right now, my spirit is put aside, having to believe and do the things that my mind says it needs.

I don't want to be a good person so that people will applaud me.
I don't want my sons to look up to me.
I don't want to be a hero.

First and foremost, I want to be ME. And slowly achieve all of these things.... because I want to. Because I'm happy to.

Rio for 2016 Olympic Games

Waaaii~~~ Right now it's between Rio and Madrid.

Rio's best pitch is definitely how the olympic games never made to the South American continent, which is true. Madrid claims that it already has over 70% infrastructure still there so it'd be "easy" for it to host the olympic games. Also, after a request from former president of IOC in favor of Madrid, closing it with the whole "I'm near the end of my life" line, it probably bumped the chances for it to host the games.

Give me a break.

This is a world wide event, not to be decided upon the final death wishes of someone. This is about the world coming together and competing in sports, not a favor. Keep the child stories and all that "yes we can" attitude at home. This is not about any single nation. This is not about a touching personal story. This is not about a death wish.

This is about the entire world.

Brazil has a strong pitch - really, how come the games were never hosted in South America? Certainly does not seem fair. The decision is to be made at any time now, but I have a strong feeling Brazil will get it.

I'm not too sure it has the capital and the safety structure to ensure that the players will be safe though. It is afterall, Brazil we're talking about... lol

But I'd be willing to bet that there will be very few, if any, terrorist attempts in Brazil. Come on, we never had that thing happen there... as a leader of a terrorist group put some time back in the only interview he gave...

"Brazil is the only country where neighbours from different religions at war in other countries, live in harmony".

Can't stop the Brazilian fire.

GO RIO~~~ GO RIO~~~ GO RIO~~~~ hahahaha

Coffee is not water

I've just realized that for the past week my water bottle here in the office has been dry. That means I haven't drank a single drip of water - instead, I've been drinking coffee. Now, that can't be good haha!

The day is crazy beautiful, weekend plans are set - going camping with my sweetie and her friends. Nice...

I've just realized last night that my life now is crazy good. Yup, that good :)

I've requested more information on Pennstate's MSIS program and it looks interesting. Once I get more info about the course load I'm planning to apply and start it next year. It will be 39 credits of courses. They say I can finish in 2 to 3 years, but I'm sure that's taking a course load heavier than I can probably do. We'll see. But yup... finally going for my masters! I decided that I've waited too long for the "perfect masters degree" to present itself so I am going for it. Not sure what's next, not sure if it's the best one, but I know this - it is the only program I've read and actually felt excited of being a part of. And I'm going to go with that hunch.

Hopefully when I apply for financial aid, FAFSA people will see my financial situation and cry over my salary and concede me awesome grants. Yep grants, not loans haha. Maybe I can apply for a scholarship based on... my work performance? haha!

Miki has been doing good and is again following me around the house... that's good! I missed having that little devil following me everywhere I went haha... but he lost a lot of weight due to the blockage... so now I've been feeding him closely (he likes when I'm there watching him eat... go figure) so he'll be gaining his weight back little by little. Then he'll get too fat and we'll have to cut some of the food haha!

I've been slacking at going to the gym!!! Haven't gone there in a month! Yikes! Probably even more! No good Ferny!! +_+ in my defense, I have been watchign what I ate... although that 320 calorie muffin I ate last night was probably not a good idea... or that Ruby Tuesdays night... oh crap haha

More good news, The Big Bang theory season 3 is here!!! Tune in CBS (I think it is CBS) Mondays at 9:30 pm to watch it!